the things you carry.

The old things ending are only a sign of something new.

Ohh, haven't forgotten about you, friends. I've actually written a handful of drafts for different blog ideas I've had floating around, but every time I ultimately decided this wasn't the venue. I'm pretty sure that most of my readers are in some way related to me, and so this seems like an odd place to discuss what how my heart is broken for the sexual slaves of southeast asia and how this is a dirty broken world that has a way of leaving one jaded about where it's headed. So many of my experiences here have been very profound, and yet in a way it's very hard to make them translate. I do my best to put you in my shoes, but with much of this stuff you'd just have to be there. There's the easy gross-out stories about getting vomited on in the middle of a twelve hour bus ride or what it's like to use a squatty potty, but I think those miss the point. I've gone through some really uncomfortable stuff, true, but oh, how the joys do outweigh the sorrows. So instead, here are some thoughts. And the funny thing about them all is that so much of it are tiny little lessons, the little things one picks up over the course of a day. But they all add up somehow into a grander wonderful truth, and life made beautiful.

It starts here: With everything in life worth doing, there's this moment. You take the step that can't be undone, can't be partially refunded, where suddenly there is no going back and undoing. It's no longer ideas, or plans, but what you're doing with this part of your life. And for me it meant to get on the plane, one that sends you far away from everything that seems normal to you. and it's just you, sitting there by yourself. and you feel very alone, helpless, and nervous. Don't panic, it gets better from here. The hardest part is over. And yet so much of the wonderful things that can happen in our lives hit the roadblocks here. Often it feels like too much work, too much to give up, just to get to this point. Getting past that moment is a prerequisite for living well.

A true friend is something precious. The kindness of strangers is a humbling and life-affirming thing that restores my hope in times where I feel like accepting cynicism. I have so much gratitude to the friends I made along the way. Living in community is just beautiful, and can't be replicated. The way a group of strangers can turn into a family is something to be treasured. Being so far away from home, it's nice to have a few familiar faces to see every once in a while. Many of the things that seem like they'll be a big deal about living in a new culture, the things about comfort and food and what you will and won't be able to buy - that's the easy stuff. Being a tourist is easy, living somewhere is different. It's hard and frustrating, but it's beautiful and it's worth it.

Designer clothes and luxury cars are boring. All-inclusives are for those who don't want to actually experience anything. Many people don't understand what gives things value. There's a beauty to the dirt of humanity. We're all just dust anyways. There are few things that are as shocking as just how little care is given to the poor in this world and how little people think about where their money goes when they spend it. Scrapping your plans and having to do something completely different can sometimes be better than anything you could have planned ahead of time. If you really want to live fully, you have to accept that sometimes it will be smelly, sometimes it will be uncomfortable, sometimes you'll feel very alone. If you aren't ready for that, stay home. Sometimes the experiences won't be happy things, and they won't be nice or pleasant at all. Sometimes life can downright hurt, but the whole trick to joy is to take even the bad things and use them to get better and to learn. I'm learning to appreciate the good in everything.


It's weird to pack everything up, to see everything in your life fit into a few bags. But that's ok. it was never the stuff that made life fulfilling anyways. What I really carry with me are the stories, the memories. thousands of pictures. places I'll remember all my life. And most of all, the people, and the way they changed me. I love Thailand, and I'll miss this place very much. Mostly I'll miss the people. I have been shown amazing kindness, and my time here has changed me for the better. Those who've been a part of my life in the past six months, thank you so much. America, see you soon!

Other things I should mention.
What I've been up to: Traveling. When I was booking the plane ticket last august I decided to stay late, and booked my return flight about 8 weeks after DTS ended. Originally the plan was to stay in Bangkok the whole time, find something to do. When I made the decision to pursue a School of Biblical Studies in the fall, it meant that suddenly the next year and a half of my life is looking very busy. So I decided to take a break, and took two trips, taking up about half of my time. I went to Cambodia, Vietnam, and Laos on the first trip and Malaysia, Indonesia, and Singapore on the second trip. It's been crazy, and while I scribbled journal notes all along the way I'll probably save those thoughts and stories for elsewhere. But it was good. My mind works better when I'm moving, which is as it should be. And in the last few days being back in Bangkok with not much to do, I see it's been good that I had something to keep me occupied.


What's next: I'm going HOME. On Wednesday. I'm going all out and I'll be scraping my heels to the finish line. My amazing charles schwab use-it-anywhere-for-free debit card, which is ever so handy and I'm so grateful for, expired at the end of january - so I made one last final withdrawl at the end of last month to cover all my expenses to get me home. I'm down to 254 baht with 3 days to go. (I'll need to save basically all of it for the cab ride to the airport at three in the morning, so if anyone in Ramsong wants to buy me a meal, let me know!) I do have a loaf of bread, though, and some coffee grounds, and a can of baked beans (leftover from my flood survival kit), and some peanut butter. Gonna make it, kids. As soon as I get home I'm going to sleep for two days, and then subject myself to CCF spring break. I'm pretty excited about seeing many of your lovely faces. After that I have a window of about six months. It's gonna be good, I've applied for a few internships and will otherwise plan on finding some job somewhere (can't be too picky, I suppose). If anyone has any ideas, or is looking for a housemate, let me know. Then, if all goes well, Sweden in mid-september. More on this later.

I do love you all, by the way. Thanks for reading and caring.